I've had so many things on my mind lately. Arguably, it was spiritual warfare but let's not over-hype things. In essence, some things remained unclear and they were wearing me down. There were also matters that were resolved, to my joy.
In both cases, I found reason to thank God. I'm rather surprised at myself. I used to only want the good stuff. But my NUS lecturer put it best: You have to have the valleys to appreciate the peaks.
I felt that as I grew older, I lost a big part of my innocence. This is not necessarily a bad thing. I now look at the world in a more objective (detached?) fashion. Of course, the inherent danger is that I become cynical. This does happen occasionally. But when that does, the love and grace of God pulls me back from destroying myself.
I now see the world, no more with the simplistic view that God's reign is established (though it is, and will be). The problem I faced was that I tended to expect the world to be like that. In losing my innocence, I didn't turn my back on God or the church. Rather, I saw the world without its pretence, but in spite of all the dark picture, I saw God's glory somehow shining through. Another outcome of the major battle I fought was that I no longer saw things in black and white. There are, of course, issues whch fall in such a category but not life in its entirety. I have the tendency to group everything, and I mean everything, into black and white. There are times where it is not black and white.
The last part frightened me because for a good part of my life, I rely on people whom I know to have the gift of prophecy to tell me what God is saying, then I follow (as long as it doesn't contradict Scripture). I ignored (and forgot) the fact that these same people have flaws. As such, they are not always dead accurate. So I still have to walk my own path. This is in spite of advice from very godly people. Very lonely, I found. But yet, in it lay the opportunity to discover the thrill of walking closely with God. I hope I remember to talk about this in another post (this has to do with the movie 'Evan Almighty'). This lonely part of walking my own path wore on me because firstly, it entails that I had to stand against the opinion and wishes of people whom I repsect greatly, and secondly, there is a possibility that I was deluded in the first place.
In that case, it becomes very easy to continue plunging down the path because 'only I know what the Lord is saying to me.' I'm not yet conceited enough. But then again, my mentor told me that yes, God does speak through His saints but He speaks to the person first.
It's as though God was saying, 'You've listened to people around you who spoke of me. Now it's time for you to learn to hear from Me for yourself'.
Take for example, an issue that was weighing on my heart. I was struggling with it ('is this the case, is this not the case, what if I'm wrong, have I invested my emotions for nothing?' etc etc), then it got resolved, surprisingly enough, during Chinese New Year. I felt that now that the issue is resolved. It was a relief to me because for a long time, the struggle was over, it this right/appropriate? When things became clear, it turned out that it was not a matter of right or wrong, appropriate or inappropriate. It was more like, 'You're not doing anything wrong. What happened today was just so that you had enough to believe and therefore, to go on.' I regret that I cannot go into greater details, but this one quite close to my heart and rather sensitive. Only a handful of people know about it.
So, as it stands, it is a happy situation. But will high morale last? I don't think so, from experience. At some point, perhaps even the thing that caused me to be happy may well end up as the same thing that cause me anxiety, and fear. But one must learn to accept the good times together with the bad. Whenever I'm happy over an issue, I thank God for it and I treasure the moment as it is. But when it is not so certain or happy, I learn to live with it and still thank God for it, though with less enthusiasm. Samwise Gamgee (Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers) said something to the effect that the sun that comes out after the night (or is it rain?) shines all the brighter.
So what would the future hold? I really don't know. I desire the best, of course. But if the worst happens instead, I am willing to accept the consequences of my decision as such. But at least, I draw comfort from the fact that I made my mistake trying to follow God's leading to the best of my understanding.