My father

I know you're all probably expecting me to talk about God, but I'm talking about my human father instead. It's rather interesting to see how my relationship with my father has evolved over the years, and how this reflects my relationship with God as well.

I was raised in a family that was well-balanced, I should say. There was a clear hierarchy in the family. Some people might comment that it was overly militaristic but they are entitled to their opinions; I'm fine with how my dad raised me. He was liberal with the cane. Looking at the state of some kids we see today, I'm very glad that he was tough with me.

Of course he had his share of flaws (I am not, however, about to enumerate them); he is after all, a human being. I remember clashing with him on some occasions.

The differences between grew even more salient after I ORD-ed. That was the time I was finishing university and I felt the call of God into full-time ministry (sometimes, I wonder in jest if I should have acted blur about that). My father didn't agree. At that time, things really came to a head. He saw me as rash, and I saw him as nominal in his faith, and for a long while we were not on talking terms. Although we were cordial enough and I still respected him as my father, I was alienated from him and I'm sure, vice versa.

What made the turn of the tide was something unusual. God sent me a dream. In that dream, Christians were being hunted down, persecuted. But my father risked his life to hide me and ensure I was safe. Strangely, it didn't occur to me that if he was a Christian as well, why wasn't he being persecuted? It didn't matter. After I woke up, I thought about it. And I realised that whatever he did in my dream was consistent with his character. He may not see a place for leaps of faith the way I did, but he did remain true to what he believed in.

Other events followed over the years. I was talking to this student who had problems with her father and as I was talking to her, God said to me, 'Isn't it time you also dealt with yours?'

I did, and I felt I was doing what pleases the Lord. And I was deeply satisfied.

Last November, my father experienced what he thought was heart attack symptoms. He checked himself into hospital and was warded for a couple of days. We found out later that it was a false alarm. He had switched to a new diabetes medicine that had the side effects resembling symptoms of a heart attack.

I was at the time alarmed because that was about the right age for all these problems to come (he was 54 at the time). The fact that I went to visit him every day no doubt represented the last barrier that dropped between us.

By that time, I had already seen him in a new light. His faith wasn't shallow. It's just that he saw things (including spiritual matters) in pragmatic terms. I did not and in some instances still do not, agree with some things he said or did. But now, I do not judge him. I acknowledge the fact that whatever his decisions were, he made them in good faith, with all intentions that his family (us) should benefit for it. He had obviously given up considerable opportunities in order that we might enjoy what he never got.

Some of these opportunities I will never know. My father is never one to blow his own trumpet. I once asked him about the topic of extramarital affairs and asked him how he stood against all possible temptation. He just shrugged and said that it was the right thing to be loyal. Never mind that it was a major feat in and by itself.

So here's to my father, a man who has lived by his internal code of honour, from whom I had inherited my transparency, a man whom for all that you can say about him, has remained consistent in his character. He wears no mask; what you see is what you get, warts and all.

And while it took me a long time to appreciate this man for who he is, I'm glad I eventually did.

I also said that my relationship reflected, to some extent, my relationship with God as well. To put it simply, the day I stopped judging my father and stopped taking him for granted was also the day, I saw God clearer.

You are only allowed to bring in 10 pets. 1 pet, cannot. 2 pets, also cannot. Must be 10 pets.

I really couldn't resist doing this. I was watching 'Bee Movie' and they started off with a Top Gun-style beginning. That, in and by itself, wasn't funny but the words had me laughing for a long time. Here it is.

According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee is supposed to be able to fly

Its wings are considered too small to get its little fat body off the ground.

The bee, of course, flies anyway.

Because bees do not care what humans think is impossible.

I think it's because of the image of the bee being oblivious to what humans are insisitng cannot be done that is so hilarious. It's like this: Humans think they are masters of the universe (By the power of Grayskull, anyone?). This ends up as a sort of arrogance that they know and/or control everything, in this case, whether bees can fly. Try imagining a bunch of humans arguing over this and the bee is flying past them going, 'La la la la la' without bothering whether it is conforming to all the arguments.

Now, that's a thought...

At some point, you learn to ignore the [unkind] names people call you, and you just trust who you are.

~Shrek, in Shrek the Third~

We all bow down

Meaningful song that reminds us who our Master ought to be.

Princes and paupers, sons and daughters
Kneel at the throne of grace
Losers and winners, saints and sinners
One day we'll see His face

And we all bow down
Kings will surrender their crowns
And worship Jesus
He is the Love, unfailing Love
He is the Love of God

Summer and winter, the mountains and rivers
Whisper the Saviour's name
Awesome and holy, He's a friend to the lonely
Forever His love will reign

And we all bow down
Kings will surrender their crowns
And worship Jesus
He is the Love, unfailing Love
He is the Love of God

He's the Light of the world
And the Lord of the cross

And we all bow down
Kings will surrender their crowns
And worship Jesus
He is the Love, unfailing Love
He is the Love of God
(to end)

I've had so many things on my mind lately. Arguably, it was spiritual warfare but let's not over-hype things. In essence, some things remained unclear and they were wearing me down. There were also matters that were resolved, to my joy.
In both cases, I found reason to thank God. I'm rather surprised at myself. I used to only want the good stuff. But my NUS lecturer put it best: You have to have the valleys to appreciate the peaks.
I felt that as I grew older, I lost a big part of my innocence. This is not necessarily a bad thing. I now look at the world in a more objective (detached?) fashion. Of course, the inherent danger is that I become cynical. This does happen occasionally. But when that does, the love and grace of God pulls me back from destroying myself.
I now see the world, no more with the simplistic view that God's reign is established (though it is, and will be). The problem I faced was that I tended to expect the world to be like that. In losing my innocence, I didn't turn my back on God or the church. Rather, I saw the world without its pretence, but in spite of all the dark picture, I saw God's glory somehow shining through. Another outcome of the major battle I fought was that I no longer saw things in black and white. There are, of course, issues whch fall in such a category but not life in its entirety. I have the tendency to group everything, and I mean everything, into black and white. There are times where it is not black and white.
The last part frightened me because for a good part of my life, I rely on people whom I know to have the gift of prophecy to tell me what God is saying, then I follow (as long as it doesn't contradict Scripture). I ignored (and forgot) the fact that these same people have flaws. As such, they are not always dead accurate. So I still have to walk my own path. This is in spite of advice from very godly people. Very lonely, I found. But yet, in it lay the opportunity to discover the thrill of walking closely with God. I hope I remember to talk about this in another post (this has to do with the movie 'Evan Almighty'). This lonely part of walking my own path wore on me because firstly, it entails that I had to stand against the opinion and wishes of people whom I repsect greatly, and secondly, there is a possibility that I was deluded in the first place.
In that case, it becomes very easy to continue plunging down the path because 'only I know what the Lord is saying to me.' I'm not yet conceited enough. But then again, my mentor told me that yes, God does speak through His saints but He speaks to the person first.
It's as though God was saying, 'You've listened to people around you who spoke of me. Now it's time for you to learn to hear from Me for yourself'.
Take for example, an issue that was weighing on my heart. I was struggling with it ('is this the case, is this not the case, what if I'm wrong, have I invested my emotions for nothing?' etc etc), then it got resolved, surprisingly enough, during Chinese New Year. I felt that now that the issue is resolved. It was a relief to me because for a long time, the struggle was over, it this right/appropriate? When things became clear, it turned out that it was not a matter of right or wrong, appropriate or inappropriate. It was more like, 'You're not doing anything wrong. What happened today was just so that you had enough to believe and therefore, to go on.' I regret that I cannot go into greater details, but this one quite close to my heart and rather sensitive. Only a handful of people know about it.
So, as it stands, it is a happy situation. But will high morale last? I don't think so, from experience. At some point, perhaps even the thing that caused me to be happy may well end up as the same thing that cause me anxiety, and fear. But one must learn to accept the good times together with the bad. Whenever I'm happy over an issue, I thank God for it and I treasure the moment as it is. But when it is not so certain or happy, I learn to live with it and still thank God for it, though with less enthusiasm. Samwise Gamgee (Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers) said something to the effect that the sun that comes out after the night (or is it rain?) shines all the brighter.
So what would the future hold? I really don't know. I desire the best, of course. But if the worst happens instead, I am willing to accept the consequences of my decision as such. But at least, I draw comfort from the fact that I made my mistake trying to follow God's leading to the best of my understanding.

Night cycling planning phase

One of the significant events of this holidays was the night cycling event. It was held on 28 Nov all through to 29 Nov.
I had always wanted to organise a night cycling primarily because it was not something one did very often. I had also wanted to organise one for the 64th, because I am always of the opinion (and correct me if I'm wrong) that Boys have got plenty of energy and it would be a waste of we didn't allow that expression. So that was the genesis of the idea of the night cycling trip.
Soon came a development. I realised that due to various reasons, we were not going to have a youth camp this year. Someone within the 64th Coy officer corps decided that we should extend this to the rest of the SJCp youths. Not a new idea, since its Chaplain had in fact mooted the idea some years back; just that we never got down to it.
So there it was, a humble idea became something that was for the entire youth ministry. Then came the sobering part: We had not organised something like this before. And I was the chap who had to look into it because I was the only working adult who was available; the rest had their own schedules.
Booking the bicycles was fairly easy. We only needed to pay the delivery charges ($200) for the bikes to be sent to wherever we specified.
We were hoping to hit at least 30 km. But we were worried that it would be too short and if people finished it too quickly, they would get bored. So we felt that we should plan one long one. I wanted a route that would lead us parallel to the Changi runway, then lead into East Coast. But to get there, we had to cycle from SJCp. That was the difficult part. The idea was to avoid all expressways and major roads. Drivers tend to drive very very fast and I didn't want to think of the consequences of an accident. The 2nd thing was to secure 2 safety vehicles, one to lead the bike convoy, the other to follow behind. I didn't fully grasp the significance of this gesture but as I looked back, this turned out to be one of the most important factors that ensured our safety.
So we designed a route (50km). But we when we went for a recce the following week at the actual time (night), we got a rude shock. The route included Geylang Serai area which was a favourite night spot for people looking for a snack. Busy traffic. We quickly selected a shorter route (37 km) but adventurous as I wanted to be, I couldn't help but feel uneasy. This was also confirmed by another brother of mine who generously helped out in the recce phase.
Nevertheless, God brought about a turn of events who helped us a great deal--it rained. I know it sounds strange that we should feel that way. But the fact was that, it was one of those types where it rained a while, stopped a while. At that point, my boss pointed out to me that it was going to be dangerous. The road was wet and drivers were complacent; had it been raining heavily, everyone would definitely have slowed down and at least drive very carefully.
Those were terrifying moments for me. I had to decide whether to go ahead and take the risks, or call off the whole thing and disappoint everybody. I was the one on whose decision the entire thing hung. It was not an enjoyable feeling. By then, I had experienced cyclists who were with me in the decision-making (the original cadre of officers whom I worked with couldn't make it because they were overseas, except for Melboy, to whom I am extremely grateful for his calming presence, though he himself might not believe this). We all huddled together in prayer, but we were not your archetypical bold 'prayer warriors', so to speak. We were more like a frightened bunch of people who were desperate to find out what God had in mind, but yet unsure if He had spoken.
Anyway, we decide to go ahead but made a big change. We discarded the plans altogether and made one up. We called the bike vendor to change the delivery venue from SJCp to Changi Village. We would start from there, cycle past Changi Beach, reach the road parallel to the airport runway, cut into East Coast, cycle it's entire length, then end at car park C3 where we were supposed to return the bikes the next day anyway. After that, we'd hop on a chartered bus and return to SJCp.
I'll blog about the actual trip in the next entry. But at the chronological point in time where all I've described happened, I was arguable the most frightened individual in the church.
Right, next entry--The trip itself.