It's been a loooooong time...

When I looked at the date of the last entry,I found it mildly disconcerting that it was half a year ago. QY, I know you're expecting an entry about my TTC life but that will have to wait. For the moment though, I'm glad I finished transcribing somebody's speech. It was quite a lengthy speech and the recording device was not exactly state-of-the-art so I'm rather proud of myself that I'm done it. Tomorrow I'll be polishing up what I couldn't catch the first time round.
I'm having and enjoying my semester break for the moment (yes, TTC does have holidays too). Apart from this little project I just mentioned, I've been overdosing on Friends (the sitocm) and getting a kick out of playing the theme song repeatedly. It's meant for friends, (duh!). The lyrics are remarkably simple, yet I found them poignant.

I'll be there for you--The Rembrandts
So no one told you life was gonna be this way
Your job's a joke, you're broke,
Your love life's D.O.A. [Dead On Arrival]
It's like you're always stuck in second gear
When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year

But I'll be there for you (when the rain starts to pour)
I'll be there for you (like I've been there before)
I'll be there for you ('cos you're there for me too)

You're still in bed at 10, and work began at 8
You've burnt your breakfast so far
Things are going great
Your mother warned you there'd be days like these
But she didn't tell you when the world has brought you down on your knees

That I'll be there for you (when the rain starts to pour)
I'll be there for you (like I've been there before)
I'll be there for you ('cos you're there for me too)

No one could ever know me
No one could ever see me
Seems you're the only one who knows what it's like to be me
Someone to face the day with
Make it through all the rest with
Someone I'll always laugh with
Even at my worst, I'm best with you

It's like you're always stuck in second gear
When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year

And I'll be there for you (when the rain starts to pour)
I'll be there for you (like I've been there before)
I'll be there for you ('cos you're there for me too)

I'll be there for you
I'll be there for you
I'll be there for you
'cos you're there for me too

The things I do while on leave

I started taking leave from the end of May and with the time available on my hands, what did I do? (Apart from sleeping a lot, that is). I watch movies. I went to watch Prince Caspian shortly after it opened, and I mentioned that in passing in one of my previous entries.
That soured my experience. At least there's a break in the story between Prince Caspian and Voyage of the Dawn Treader. I really hope Andrew Adamson don't mess it up this time.....
The other movie I watched was 'You Don't Mess With the Zohan'. It looked promising although the media seemed to be confused whether Adam Sandler's character was supposed to be a spy or commando. I was looking forward to it. Boy, was I disappointed. The movie was over the top with more jokes about his genitals than focusing on the storyline itself. I mean, not even Rambo was this ludicrous.
Speaking of Rambo, I also watched the movie. It was only so-so. The Rambo franchise is getting tired and it isn't a good idea to stretch it too much. Try imagining your grandfather single-handedly gunning an entire army?
I finally managed to get my hands on the Bourne trilogy (film, not the book). I liked it because it's a more plausible version of James Bond (not that I had written it off though). Put it this way: How many of 007's gadgets can you actually use?
I thought that the Bourne trilogy tended to focus more on the main character (Jason Bourne) using his intelligence (no pun intended) skills to outmanoeuvre his opponents (rogue CIA elements). For instance, I had always thought that as a spy, you never never appear on your enemy's radar scope. Once you're caught, you're finished. Bourne seemed to be comfortable with letting his opponents capture him and turn it to his advantage.
An example is in Bourne Supremacy, where he uses his own passport, which is sure to be tracked, to be captured. So while the CIA guys are gloating about the catch, Bourne overpowers the detention authorities, including a CIA officer. He then uses a device to copy the knocked-out officer's SIM card, then puts the SIM card back. Thereafter, he was able to listen in on any conversation the officer is having with CIA HQ without the guy knowing.
The other movie which I strongly recommend is 'The Bucket List'. It's a story of 2 cancer patients who decide that since their deaths were inevitable, they may as well have some fun. So the 2 goes, sky-diving, racing, explore places they don't normally go to (Egyptian pyramids), see stuff (Taj Mahal). What made the story beautiful was the fact that both discovered profound things about themselves and each other. This was the ind of friendship that the world in general tends to marginalise. The movie brings that out nicely without being too campy or preachy.
Of course, it helps a lot that the 2 main characters are played by actors I regard very highly--Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson. Freeman has always managed to slip into his character and inject his presence, while Nicholson demonstrates his ability at playing the cantankerous but ultimately good-hearted guy.
Do try to catch the Bourne trilogy and the Bucket List, if you can. They're worth watching.

Follow-on from previous entry

This song spoke to me as if to say, 'This is why you can hope.'

Early in the Morning--David Meece
Once a good young King came by
Early in the morning
Hope soared nearly to the sky
Early in the morning
Yet that first hope nearly died
With so little warning
The good young King was crucified
Early in the morning

In the stone cold tomb He lay
Early in the morning
Laid with Him the hope of day
Early in the morning
Saints and angels fearful, pray
Yearning for a dawning
Breaking on a silent grave
Early in the morning

Hallelujah, O the bright dawn breaks
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, O the sweet King wakes
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Long the anxious claws have gripped
Early in the morning
Now the vanquished claws have slipped
Early in the morning
How the bragging dragon trips
Head, so high, now fawning
Mouth denied, forever drips
Early in the morning

Hallelujah, empty claws proclaim
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, now the good King reigns
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Steady in the waning light
Early in the morning
Risen Morning Star, our light
Early in the morning
Dragons breed again to fight
Fearful is their taunting
Yet we trust Lord thy great might
Early in the morning

Hallelujah, saints and angels sing
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, praise the risen King
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Random ramblings again

If you have encountered your share of heartaches, and you're struggling to hold on to a faith that says, 'God will not forget or ignore me', the despair sets in very quickly. Paradoxically, I am comforted by the words of Jesus in Matthew 10:39--' Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.'
That was a reinforcement of an insight He gave to me some time back. Whenever I go through a tough time, I would like to think that there was some purpose behind it (and there is). And whatever it was, God was not oblivious to my pain (this was if I couldn't discern some reason for my experience). I was conducting a teaching series on Luke and I recall saying something to the effect of, 'It may seem that you're giving up your happiness forever, but nothing you give up to and for God will ever be in vain.'
As much as I am convinced by the insight which I just mentioned in the previous paragraph, I am repeating it here also for my own comfort. I am afraid of having the hope again for fear it may prove false (or perhaps the pain was a necessary part of the development? I don't know). So folks, whatever I'm saying, it's for me as much as it is for you. The insight is in a form of a quote:
All missed chances, however, permanent they may seem, will one day work out to the glory of God, and to your eventual joy.

If I am to be creamed for plagiarising somebody, YOU STARTED IT! Hahaha!

When we love, it is not guaranteed that we are loved in return, but God continues to love, and in His strength, we can do the same.

Yours truly, the amateur critic

I just watched 'Prince Caspian' today. If you have never read the book, go on ahead and enjoy the movie. If you have read the book, be warned: It's a huge disappointment. I fought the temptation to walk out halfway during the screening. No more details, lest I inadvertently let loose some spoilers...
On the other hand, I am much amused by the song 'Bad Day', originally sung by Daniel Powter. It's a poignant depiction of what actually happens. But the one that tickles me is the chipmunk version (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQZLCNRYqMM). If you feel despondent, switch to the link and have a laugh.

Movie quotes

Here's a quiz to smoke out all those of you who watch this movie:

'Why are we fighting for the humans? They're [a] primitive, violent race.'
'Were we so different? They're a young species; they have much to learn. But I have seen good in them. Freedom is the right of all sentient beings. We cannot let the humans pay for our mistake....'

I think we can all identify with the poor guy....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JbX80xiMUxE&feature=related

My father

I know you're all probably expecting me to talk about God, but I'm talking about my human father instead. It's rather interesting to see how my relationship with my father has evolved over the years, and how this reflects my relationship with God as well.

I was raised in a family that was well-balanced, I should say. There was a clear hierarchy in the family. Some people might comment that it was overly militaristic but they are entitled to their opinions; I'm fine with how my dad raised me. He was liberal with the cane. Looking at the state of some kids we see today, I'm very glad that he was tough with me.

Of course he had his share of flaws (I am not, however, about to enumerate them); he is after all, a human being. I remember clashing with him on some occasions.

The differences between grew even more salient after I ORD-ed. That was the time I was finishing university and I felt the call of God into full-time ministry (sometimes, I wonder in jest if I should have acted blur about that). My father didn't agree. At that time, things really came to a head. He saw me as rash, and I saw him as nominal in his faith, and for a long while we were not on talking terms. Although we were cordial enough and I still respected him as my father, I was alienated from him and I'm sure, vice versa.

What made the turn of the tide was something unusual. God sent me a dream. In that dream, Christians were being hunted down, persecuted. But my father risked his life to hide me and ensure I was safe. Strangely, it didn't occur to me that if he was a Christian as well, why wasn't he being persecuted? It didn't matter. After I woke up, I thought about it. And I realised that whatever he did in my dream was consistent with his character. He may not see a place for leaps of faith the way I did, but he did remain true to what he believed in.

Other events followed over the years. I was talking to this student who had problems with her father and as I was talking to her, God said to me, 'Isn't it time you also dealt with yours?'

I did, and I felt I was doing what pleases the Lord. And I was deeply satisfied.

Last November, my father experienced what he thought was heart attack symptoms. He checked himself into hospital and was warded for a couple of days. We found out later that it was a false alarm. He had switched to a new diabetes medicine that had the side effects resembling symptoms of a heart attack.

I was at the time alarmed because that was about the right age for all these problems to come (he was 54 at the time). The fact that I went to visit him every day no doubt represented the last barrier that dropped between us.

By that time, I had already seen him in a new light. His faith wasn't shallow. It's just that he saw things (including spiritual matters) in pragmatic terms. I did not and in some instances still do not, agree with some things he said or did. But now, I do not judge him. I acknowledge the fact that whatever his decisions were, he made them in good faith, with all intentions that his family (us) should benefit for it. He had obviously given up considerable opportunities in order that we might enjoy what he never got.

Some of these opportunities I will never know. My father is never one to blow his own trumpet. I once asked him about the topic of extramarital affairs and asked him how he stood against all possible temptation. He just shrugged and said that it was the right thing to be loyal. Never mind that it was a major feat in and by itself.

So here's to my father, a man who has lived by his internal code of honour, from whom I had inherited my transparency, a man whom for all that you can say about him, has remained consistent in his character. He wears no mask; what you see is what you get, warts and all.

And while it took me a long time to appreciate this man for who he is, I'm glad I eventually did.

I also said that my relationship reflected, to some extent, my relationship with God as well. To put it simply, the day I stopped judging my father and stopped taking him for granted was also the day, I saw God clearer.

You are only allowed to bring in 10 pets. 1 pet, cannot. 2 pets, also cannot. Must be 10 pets.

I really couldn't resist doing this. I was watching 'Bee Movie' and they started off with a Top Gun-style beginning. That, in and by itself, wasn't funny but the words had me laughing for a long time. Here it is.

According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee is supposed to be able to fly

Its wings are considered too small to get its little fat body off the ground.

The bee, of course, flies anyway.

Because bees do not care what humans think is impossible.

I think it's because of the image of the bee being oblivious to what humans are insisitng cannot be done that is so hilarious. It's like this: Humans think they are masters of the universe (By the power of Grayskull, anyone?). This ends up as a sort of arrogance that they know and/or control everything, in this case, whether bees can fly. Try imagining a bunch of humans arguing over this and the bee is flying past them going, 'La la la la la' without bothering whether it is conforming to all the arguments.

Now, that's a thought...

At some point, you learn to ignore the [unkind] names people call you, and you just trust who you are.

~Shrek, in Shrek the Third~

We all bow down

Meaningful song that reminds us who our Master ought to be.

Princes and paupers, sons and daughters
Kneel at the throne of grace
Losers and winners, saints and sinners
One day we'll see His face

And we all bow down
Kings will surrender their crowns
And worship Jesus
He is the Love, unfailing Love
He is the Love of God

Summer and winter, the mountains and rivers
Whisper the Saviour's name
Awesome and holy, He's a friend to the lonely
Forever His love will reign

And we all bow down
Kings will surrender their crowns
And worship Jesus
He is the Love, unfailing Love
He is the Love of God

He's the Light of the world
And the Lord of the cross

And we all bow down
Kings will surrender their crowns
And worship Jesus
He is the Love, unfailing Love
He is the Love of God
(to end)

I've had so many things on my mind lately. Arguably, it was spiritual warfare but let's not over-hype things. In essence, some things remained unclear and they were wearing me down. There were also matters that were resolved, to my joy.
In both cases, I found reason to thank God. I'm rather surprised at myself. I used to only want the good stuff. But my NUS lecturer put it best: You have to have the valleys to appreciate the peaks.
I felt that as I grew older, I lost a big part of my innocence. This is not necessarily a bad thing. I now look at the world in a more objective (detached?) fashion. Of course, the inherent danger is that I become cynical. This does happen occasionally. But when that does, the love and grace of God pulls me back from destroying myself.
I now see the world, no more with the simplistic view that God's reign is established (though it is, and will be). The problem I faced was that I tended to expect the world to be like that. In losing my innocence, I didn't turn my back on God or the church. Rather, I saw the world without its pretence, but in spite of all the dark picture, I saw God's glory somehow shining through. Another outcome of the major battle I fought was that I no longer saw things in black and white. There are, of course, issues whch fall in such a category but not life in its entirety. I have the tendency to group everything, and I mean everything, into black and white. There are times where it is not black and white.
The last part frightened me because for a good part of my life, I rely on people whom I know to have the gift of prophecy to tell me what God is saying, then I follow (as long as it doesn't contradict Scripture). I ignored (and forgot) the fact that these same people have flaws. As such, they are not always dead accurate. So I still have to walk my own path. This is in spite of advice from very godly people. Very lonely, I found. But yet, in it lay the opportunity to discover the thrill of walking closely with God. I hope I remember to talk about this in another post (this has to do with the movie 'Evan Almighty'). This lonely part of walking my own path wore on me because firstly, it entails that I had to stand against the opinion and wishes of people whom I repsect greatly, and secondly, there is a possibility that I was deluded in the first place.
In that case, it becomes very easy to continue plunging down the path because 'only I know what the Lord is saying to me.' I'm not yet conceited enough. But then again, my mentor told me that yes, God does speak through His saints but He speaks to the person first.
It's as though God was saying, 'You've listened to people around you who spoke of me. Now it's time for you to learn to hear from Me for yourself'.
Take for example, an issue that was weighing on my heart. I was struggling with it ('is this the case, is this not the case, what if I'm wrong, have I invested my emotions for nothing?' etc etc), then it got resolved, surprisingly enough, during Chinese New Year. I felt that now that the issue is resolved. It was a relief to me because for a long time, the struggle was over, it this right/appropriate? When things became clear, it turned out that it was not a matter of right or wrong, appropriate or inappropriate. It was more like, 'You're not doing anything wrong. What happened today was just so that you had enough to believe and therefore, to go on.' I regret that I cannot go into greater details, but this one quite close to my heart and rather sensitive. Only a handful of people know about it.
So, as it stands, it is a happy situation. But will high morale last? I don't think so, from experience. At some point, perhaps even the thing that caused me to be happy may well end up as the same thing that cause me anxiety, and fear. But one must learn to accept the good times together with the bad. Whenever I'm happy over an issue, I thank God for it and I treasure the moment as it is. But when it is not so certain or happy, I learn to live with it and still thank God for it, though with less enthusiasm. Samwise Gamgee (Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers) said something to the effect that the sun that comes out after the night (or is it rain?) shines all the brighter.
So what would the future hold? I really don't know. I desire the best, of course. But if the worst happens instead, I am willing to accept the consequences of my decision as such. But at least, I draw comfort from the fact that I made my mistake trying to follow God's leading to the best of my understanding.